‘He only visits when he needs us’: 30-year-old woman refuses to host her brother-in-law and his girlfriend again after a visit where they treated her house like a free hotel and avoided any interaction

Author image for Etai Eshet
Etai Eshet • Editor
Oct 9, 2025 6:00 PM EDT

There are a lot of things that can get on one's household nerves. You can catch me huffing and puffing almost daily about everything and anything from dryer noises to a dish I didn't remember was in the washer (it's my favorite one, and it annoys me I can't use it right now, okay?!). But this woman's story would make me absolutely lose it. Because nothing sounds annoying quite like a brother-in-law visit, especially when he shows up with a girlfriend you barely know and an approach to hosting that involves a lot of taking and not much in the way of basic courtesy. Suddenly, the house becomes more of a service station. Home-cooked breakfasts are prepared by the hosts, dishes mostly done by the same parties, and interaction kept to a minimum. Doorways replace dinner tables as the main meeting spot, and the closest thing to a communal moment is hearing footsteps late at night or a polite offer to wash a plate before disappearing again.

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  • I don't want my brother-in-law to come and visit with his girlfriend

    Cheezburger Image 10562185216
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  • I'm (30F) married to my husband (32M), we've been together 11 years, married 2 years, we both work from home.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • Brother-in-law (26M) and his gf needed to come to the city on March (for 6 days), so she could take a school test.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • I didn't want them to come, but my husband insisted. The thing is that I don't know the girlfriend well, only seen her once before and we didn't talk much.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • To give perspective, BIL lives with his parents, MIL does everything for him (food, laundry, cleaning), he works from home and by that time, he's been with gf for 3 months.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
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  • What's the issue? | don't consider BIL to be a good visitor, he doesn't offer to pay for anything, he doesn't pick up after himself, and doesn't like try to make gf comfortable.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • Gf did offer to do the dishes, which was nice. It felt like we were a hotel, husband served breakfast, did the dishes, BIL and gf were out or in their room all of the time, and didn't invite us to go out once (not talking about BIL paying, but asking us to go out with them).
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • I don't know, when I visit I always make my best to not be a burden, more if it's my husband and me, we pay for lunch, dinner, tickets, invite our hosts to go out, we're like that.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
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  • Apparently, in some homes, hosting family blurs the line between visit and unpaid hotel management. Guests cruise through, eating, sleeping, and using up the last of the groceries while leaving conversation and connection off the itinerary. The etiquette of contributing or even offering to spend time together falls by the wayside, replaced by an efficient stream of low-effort, low-impact interaction. The promise to “get to know each other” vanishes with every skipped meal or group activity. It turns out family can be expert at showing up just when there’s something to gain, leaving behind half-finished stories, a mess, and a shared feeling that maybe next time, finding a polite excuse will feel a lot more justifiable. Sometimes, the only thing exchanged during these visits is a new sense of reluctance and a strong case for investing in a guest-free weekend.

  • They left and during all of their stay, they didn't invite us to anything, not even a pizza.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • I was uncomfortable during their stay, I don't like strange people at my house. Gf looks like a nice person, but I just don't know her, and during the time they were here, they didn't come out to chat with us, I don't know, buy beer and listen to music together, to get to know each other.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • So, BIL needs to come again, he only visits when he needs us. Off course I don't want to, but I know it would make my husband happy to not look for an excuse to say no.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
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  • Ps. Sorry for the misspellings, English is my second language.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • AnnieB512 You could gently teach your BIL these things. I suffered from the same ignorance as him when I was younger. I had good friends who I unintentionally took advantage of whenever I'd visit. It wasn't until a different friend pointed out to me how ride that was that I changed my ways. Now I try not only to be the perfect guest, but also the perfect host when people come to visit. Maybe just tell him, why you're not thrilled about him coming and staying.
    via AnnieB512
  • OP Complex-Bluebird315 Well, I'm not close to my BIL, I don't even talk to him other than birthday calls or when I visit my in-laws, since he lives with them. I've told my husband about it, for him to talk to his brother, but, for me, they're not close either, they talk every couple months, just text, no calls.
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • HamBoneZippy Does your husband like it when they visit?
    via HamBoneZippy
  • OP Complex-Bluebird315 He says he does, but he's aware his brother is not a good guest, he shares my views on how a guest should be. He feels uncomfortable saying no to his baby brother
    via Complex-Bluebird315
  • CaptainFlynns Griffin Tell your husband that he's responsible for taking care of everything related to his brother's stay - house cleaning, linen changing, meals, entertainment, etc. Don't lift a finger. Also tell your husband that this is a good time to give BIL some life skills coaching. Your husband should give strong suggestions based on the fact that in the business world the personal/professional often overlap. So if he's ever invited to team build at a private residence or lodge semi priv
    via CaptainFlynns
  • Historical_Ad_2615 They might think they're doing you a favor by staying in their room or going out because they're getting out of your way instead of expecting you to entertain them 24/7. Even if you're the one to suggest an activity, they may think you're only asking to be nice and decline because they don't want to impose on your time. I'm guessing them not offering to reciprocate for dinners and outings is because they're broke, and interpret your invite as you offering to pay. Considering t
    via Historical_Ad_2615
  • au5000 It sounds like a very short visit. It seems fine to not be looking forward to the visit but refusing to host could have implications for ongoing relationship. Perhaps BIL is immature and used to parents doing everything for him and expects big brother will do the same. Your husband could speak to his brother about expectations - eg helping in the house, keeping the space tidy etc. He could explain that hosting can be expensive so consideration of this would be appreciated. BIL sounds a bi
    via au5000
  • Seecole-33 Sounds like there's zero communication between 4 adults. Just talk to everyone. Have everyone join a discussion and explain what you expect from their time if you open your house up to them.
    via Seecole-33
  • ElectricalFocus 560 Guests and fish smell after 3 days. An old American proverb. So 6 days is too long. And what if the school test was in another city they would have to find other accommodation. And if BIL lives with parents he should have plenty of financial resources to pay for a AirBnB. Sounds like they need to get one. Not sure how to accommodate husband's needs vis-a-vis his brother. Not sure him handling all hosting responsibilities will be enough when they are in your house. Having them
    via ElectricalFocus
  • Ok-Pomegranate2000 I would take your post and copy paste it & text it to BIL & gf & see what they have to say about it. Maybe in their mind, they believed by staying out of your way that they were being gracious guests.
    via Ok-Pomegranate2000
  • Mapilean Guests in the house are a two-yes affair. Your husband can't impose you a guest you are uncomfortable around. Tell him to offer his brother to find a convenient B&B for him. Not to pay for it, just to find it. BIL only reaches out when he needs to freeload on you, so it's only fair he pays for his own accommodation. If your husband refuses, you have a husband problem. These things should be discussed before answering the guest-to-be (or not-to-be).
    via Mapilean

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